Sry I called you an 8
i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
