I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
