i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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