I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Randomize
