She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Randomize
