I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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