I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
how does that bad decision feel?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I'm always down for nudity.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
Randomize
