Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Randomize
