I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
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i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
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How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug