Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.