$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
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As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
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I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.