I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
