and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Randomize
