both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
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i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
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Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
does anyone know where bryan is?
last i saw he was naked, and crying in the bathroom because there was no more booze.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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