theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.â€
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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