My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
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I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
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I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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