The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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