the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
