I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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