we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
