i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm just concerned as to why his penis is two different colors.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny