I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's official drugs can't kill me
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
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Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.