She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
