maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
