I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Randomize