saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize