i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
10+ Incredible Tumblr Stories That Will Leave You Shook
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
If you need anything just hit me up
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.