I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green