I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.