She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
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He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
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If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?