i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
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So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
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There's a girl in class eating a pumpkin pie. Like a whole pie straight from the pan with a fork.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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