I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
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It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
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we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway