Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm determined to sit on that face.
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize