I only kidnapped one of them. chill
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
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The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
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Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.