he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
23 Theme Park Employees Confess The Biggest Adult Tantrums They’ve Witnessed
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
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I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins