I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now Heβs Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
πππ what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
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