Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize