i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
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Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
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Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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