You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.