nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
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Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
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Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null