I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
