I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?
I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up
Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
