T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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