Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
Currently at a fetish club with a set of swings (don't ask). Having flashbacks to the park by my house
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
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