the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
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the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
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i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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