so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
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You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
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I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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