I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
23 Parents Gave Awful Advice about “The Birds and the Bees”
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
These 19 Deaths Are Ironically Hilarious
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...