I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize