Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
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As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
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The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.