I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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