Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
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