Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
