Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
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Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
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I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
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Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
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You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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