he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
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I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
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Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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