I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
