Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Boys should be on-demand - like, once you select one, he's yours for the next 24-hours
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
