And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.