Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?