Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
